This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
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Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Super Hand Dog Face
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.