This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
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me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Yes
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?