This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
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One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.