This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
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I have written yet another poem about laundry
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
There’s always that one guy
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
The prophecy is fulfilled
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”