this FaceApp is creepy af
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I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”