This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
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Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I wish this was real life…
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.