This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
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Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
pictures of spider-man
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
2022: I can fix it
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Nose
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.