This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Breaking news:
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Muppet Screams
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you