HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HIM: Just ventriloquism
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People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.