This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
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landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.