This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
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Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”