This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
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Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.