This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
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“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.