@RickAaron

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

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@Playing_Dad

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

@adamgreattweet

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

@ieatanddrink

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

@DoubtTommy

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

@SarahSurgey1

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

@RefractReality

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

@SonOfCha

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

@pranavsapra

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

@NYC_Blonde

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.