This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
You Might Also Like
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Lmao the reply
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
President The Rock Obama
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM