Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

When I pack too much for a short trip.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree