Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy