This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
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Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Awwwww shit.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff