This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
this is how life feels
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Autocorrect completely socks
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.