This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

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Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.


I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.


“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”


If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.


Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.


14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people


Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis


You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.