@jlock17 Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
@Swishergirl24 This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
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@jlock17 
@HomeWithPeanut I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
@QwertyJones3 “You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
@Tbone7219 If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
@GooseCG Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
@jngraphs 14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
@TheSharona06 Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
@chipfranklin I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
@scorpiusryan21 Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
@1_swarthy_dude You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.