This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

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You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.


Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle


sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.


Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?


ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume


I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.


The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.


[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet


My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship