@PS_IRuddYou

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

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@senorwinces

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

@smnthblk

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

@Naked_Superman

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

@zacharyflynn

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

@DirtyMelodies

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

@zg_irl

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

@PeterMolydeux

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying