This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

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You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.


Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!


It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.


If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.


It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.


This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.


You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying