This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
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Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Monday Lisa
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.