This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
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My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.