This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.