This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
You Might Also Like
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.