This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
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If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.