This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
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TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Word!
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.