This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
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That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf