@amishschool

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

You Might Also Like

@DannyZuker

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

@manofletterz

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

@PanettaSexyTime

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

@weinerdog4life

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

@CubanaMama82

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

@freedomtosee

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

@alexjmann

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

@SomthinBoutSara

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

@patcasey72

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.