This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
You Might Also Like
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message