This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
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me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!