Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.