This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
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Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting