@ElgatoEsmio I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
@Clanopath This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
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@ElgatoEsmio 
@awkwardphilippe “I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
@RodLacroix I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
@RickAaron I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
@Pork_Chop_Hair Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
@Manda_like_wine Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
@toastymoe Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
@TheWoodenslurpy Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
@Brampersandon_ FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
@randygdub hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that