I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
“What’s your strongest trait?”
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too