This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
You Might Also Like
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
🤣🤣🤣
What the dentist sees
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks