This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
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Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?