This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
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Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I thought this was funny lol
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Black Friday “markdowns” like
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting