This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
So that’s what we looked like?
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout