This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
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An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field