‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
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7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Oh my god
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.