This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Hotels are back
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work