This guy鈥檚 not having it 馃槅
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LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Home #decor warning.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
If there鈥檚 a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I鈥檒l buy your competitor鈥檚 product even if I don鈥檛 need it.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we鈥檙e in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
ME: If you won a gold medal you鈥檇 wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that鈥檚 a parking ticket
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
me: goodnight moon 馃檪
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 馃檪
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 馃檪
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.