This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
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While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Batman v Dracula
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.