This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
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Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”