This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
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Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.