this has done me in for some reason
You Might Also Like
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time