This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
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Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent