This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
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Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE