This has made my week.
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
This guy gets it.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?