this has to be peak English
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Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
🤔😂😂
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”