This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
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at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!