This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
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Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.