This hospital has everything
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I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.