This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
You Might Also Like
I just tested negative for patience.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes