This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
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[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.