This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?